Brain Burps

April 20, 2014

Happy Easter

Filed under: Uncategorized — jcj @ 10:18 pm
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How does this happen?  Some days are like every possible thing that could go wrong goes wrong.  To wit:

1. Everyone is ready to take Easter morning pictures before we go to church until we realize there is still one kid in the shower.

2. I go upstairs to tell the kid to get out of the shower and see that someone has also left the sink running until it ran over the edge of the countertop and completely filled the drawers and ran over onto the floor.

3. The kid finally gets downstairs and we all go out to the backyard for the family photo.  The kids are so grumpy, mom says “forget it” and we get in the car to get to church.

4.  The car battery is dead.

5. We take the other car on this warm spring day – it’s the one without working air conditioning.

6. I come home from church and attempt to jump the battery.  It won’t even start with a jump.  It is completely dead – so dead that the mileage LED on the dash actually spells out the word “done”.  I had never seen this before.

7. I pull the battery out and drive about 15 minutes away to Autozone to get a new one.

8. As I pull into the Autozone parking lot, I realize I have left my wallet at home.

9. Maybe Easter is the perfect day for a day like this.  Because Jesus lives, someday I’ll live in a new world where points 1-8 above will never happen again.   Someday…

June 3, 2013

Modern Pop Music: A Dialogue

Filed under: Uncategorized — jcj @ 5:45 pm

Me: “This music stinks.”

Cody (age 8): “You just think that because its not old.”

Me: “That’s right.”

April 12, 2013

Elastic Snap-back

Filed under: Uncategorized — jcj @ 1:39 pm

Warning label on car seat covers:  “Elastic snap-back may occur.  Use caution when installing.”

This is the first I’ve heard about this.   I wonder how many serious injuries have occurred as a result of elastic snap-back.  It must be far worse than any of us realize.

March 18, 2013

Happy Birthday?

Filed under: Annoyances,Food and Eating — jcj @ 12:03 am

I’ve endured a plethora of restaurant birthday celebrations.  You know – the complementary dessert and really bad birthday song.  Today was a whole new experience.

Enter Sumo Japanese Steakhouse.

Today being my birthday and two of my salons following within the next week, my wife told our hostess we had a birthday celebration.  As our meal was wrapping up, the wait staff entered the room beating some Japanese drums and singing happy birthday…badly.  The dessert choice was a slice of pineapple with a piece of mandarin orange on top.  It also had a few maraschino cherries impaled upon it.  I thought to myself, how cheap can you get?”  Still, I figured it was a free  birthday celebration, so what the hey?

But no.

I was shocked and dismayed upon the arrival of the bill.  At the bottom of the bill was a single line entry like so:

March 17, 2013

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Filed under: Uncategorized — jcj @ 5:39 pm

Thanks, Facebook, for the reminder to wish myself a happy birthday…

March 16, 2013

Taco Bell Math

Filed under: Annoyances,Food and Eating,Uncategorized — jcj @ 12:59 am

Dear Taco Belch:

I really enjoyed yesterday’s visit to your drive thru window.  My meal was $2.71.  I gave your helpful attendant $2.76.  She thanked me and closed the window.  Apparently she thought we were finished.  I waited until she opened it again and advised her I had just given her $2.76 for the $2.71 price of the meal.  She closed the window and disappeared.  I think I stumped her.  In about 30 seconds the window opened and she handed me a dime.

I just took it and drove away.  Thanks for the discount.

 

 

November 16, 2012

The Irony is as Thick as a Deep-Dish Crust

Filed under: Food and Eating — jcj @ 11:56 pm

This alarming diabetes news headline was brought to you by Domino’s.

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November 6, 2012

In Case of Emergency

Filed under: Bizarre,Funny — jcj @ 7:33 pm
Tags: , , ,

And what button might that be?

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May 29, 2012

Have a Nice Day?

Filed under: Funny — jcj @ 4:42 am

You can always tell when someone’s heart just isn’t in it…

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May 8, 2012

Mark Twain Encounters a Dachshund

Filed under: Funny — jcj @ 2:03 am

As a dachshund owner, I got a kick out of reading my favorite author’s first encounter with one…

“In the train, during a part of the return journey from Baroda, we had the company of a gentleman who had with him a remarkable looking dog. I had not seen one of its kind before, as far as I could remember; though of course I might have seen one and not noticed it, for I am not acquainted with dogs, but only with cats. This dog’s coat was smooth and shiny and black, and I think it had tan trimmings around the edges of the dog, and perhaps underneath. It was a long, low dog, with very short, strange legs–legs that curved inboard, something like parentheses turned the wrong way (. Indeed, it was made on the plan of a bench for length and lowness. It seemed to be satisfied, but I thought the plan poor, and structurally weak, on account of the distance between the forward supports and those abaft. With age the dog’s back was likely to sag; and it seemed to me that it would have been a stronger and more practicable dog if it had had some more legs. It had not begun to sag yet, but the shape of the legs showed that the undue weight imposed upon them was beginning to tell. It had a long nose, and floppy ears that hung down, and a resigned expression of countenance. I did not like to ask what kind of a dog it was, or how it came to be deformed, for it was plain that the gentleman was very fond of it, and naturally he could be sensitive about it. From delicacy I thought it best not to notice it too much. No doubt a man with a dog like that feels just as a person does who has a child that it out of true. The gentleman was not merely fond of the dog, he was also proud of it – just the same again, as a mother feels about her child when it is an idiot. I could see that he was proud of it, notwithstanding it was such a long dog and looked so resigned and pious. It had been all over the world with him, and had been pilgriming like that for years and years. It had traveled 50,000 miles by sea and rail, and had ridden in front of him on his horse 8,000. It had a silver medal from the Geographical Society of Great Britain for its travels, and I saw it. It had won prizes in dog shows, both in India and in England–and I saw them. He said its pedigree was on record in the Kennel Club, and it was a well-known dog. He said a great many people in London could recognize it the moment they saw it. I did not say anything, but I did not think it anything strange; I should know that dog again, myself, yet I am not careful about noticing dogs. He said that when he walked along in London, people often stopped and looked at the dog. Of course I did not say anything, for I did not want to hurt his feelings, but I could have explained to him that if you take a great long low dog like that and waddle it along the street anywhere in the world and not charge anything, people will stop and look. He was gratified because the dog took prizes. But that was nothing; if I were built like that I could take prizes myself. I wished I knew what kind of dog it was, and what is was for, but I could not very well ask, for that would show that I did not know. Not that I want a dog like that, but only to know the secret of its birth.

I think he was going to hunt elephants with it, because I know, from remarks dropped by him, that he has hunted large game in India and Africa, and likes it. But I think that if he tries to hunt elephants with it, he is going to be disappointed. I do not believe that it is suited for elephants. It lacks energy, it lacks force of character, it lacks bitterness. These things all show in the meekness and resignation of its expression. It would not attack an elephant, I am sure of it. It might not run if it saw one coming, but it looked to me like a dog that would sit down and pray.

I wish he had told me what breed it was, if there are others; but I shall know the dog next time, and then if I can bring myself to it I will but aside the delicacy aside and ask.”

– Following the Equator

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